A Christmas Kiss is not simply the worst Christmas movie I have ever seen; it might be high in the running for one of the worst movies ever made. Unlike classic terrible movies like Ed Wood’s Plan 9 from Outer Space or Tommy Wiseau’s The Room, there’s nothing funny or even adorably sad about its failings. The makers of A Christmas Kiss are clearly professionals who knew what they were doing, and that is by far the worst thing about it. Wood and Wiseau have gained their own cult followings precisely because they had no idea how to make movies and did anyway, with a sincerity and balance between humor and obliviousness that makes the terribleness of their films something to behold. On the other hand, the terribleness of A Christmas Kiss is something that should be avoided at all costs. This is exactly what you think about when you hear the words “made-for-TV movie”. We’re forced into the world of some of the richest and, apparently, worst people in Boston, as we see our protagonist, Wendy, plucky assistant to Miranda Priestly wannabe Priscilla Hall, get called away from a Girls’ Night with her friends to make the boss’s house pretty for the arrival of her jet-setting boyfriend. When she somehow kisses said boyfriend in an elevator that breaks and fixes itself in record time, Wendy embarks on a journey full of forced coincidences (they both like Dickens’ A Christmas Carol?!?! Holy shit who doesn’t) and other tired romantic comedy clichés (her two friends tell her to “just go for it”. If she “felt a spark” that means he’s “the one”). Speaking of clichés, if I can say anything positive about this movie, it’s that they actually managed to pack so much redundant garbage into 96 minutes that it makes a great drinking game, so here’s the rules I came up with: - Drink every time someone says the words “The One” or “spark”. Do a shot if both appear in the same sentence. - Drink every time someone gets coffee. - Drink every time rich people talk about stereotypical rich people crap like St. Barth’s, Dom Perignon, and the Ritz Carlton. - Drink every time the wise, old janitor (yes there is a wise, old janitor. Though he might be some kind of set builder in the theater, who knows? No one bothers to explain his job and he wears a jumpsuit of indeterminate color) dispenses some wise, old janitor advice. - Drink every time they force in a reference to some famous play or book, especially if it’s something vague like “The Complete Works of Shakespeare”. - Drink every time you roll your eyes at something stupid happening on-screen. If you’re not drunk after playing this game, you’ll definitely want to keep drinking to erase the memory of having seen this god-awful movie. It’s on Netflix. AND THERE’S A SEQUEL.
Director: John Stimpson
Starring: Elisabeth Rohm, Laura Breckenridge, Brendan Fehr, Jerrika Hinton
C.R. Lehman Cinema 